Donald Wickham’s Blog

I’ve been reflecting back on a conversation I was involved with early this week.  There was a particular position that was held quite strongly.  The way that position was presented is what got me to thinking.  When I hold a position or view quite strongly I tend to try to make the other person accept my view.  I “tell” them what is “right”.  Looking back at the response of the others I realize that they, like me, don’t like being “told”.  We bristle and throw up a defense, sometimes even if we don’t really disagree with the position but just because we are being “told”, forced to accept or believe.

This is particularly significant for me, as a reforming controller.  In the past, and hopefully much less now, I have tried to control others thoughts and actions.  Especially my family.  Didn’t work very well.  As I’ve repented and started working away from this I’ve seen that one of the ways I tried to control was by “telling”.  Actually trying to overpower or overwhelm the others into accepting what I said.

I’ve also had the privilege of leading a large team of real estate investors recently.   Since most of those involved were entrepreneurs and self-starters, controlling them to what I wanted wasn’t going to work.  And, given that I was no more experienced, even less so than some, trying to make the team do things my way wasn’t very wise.  So I had to learn to listen, and to offer my view or position, to try and “sell” it.  This offering or selling gives the other folks the opportunity to explore my ideas without feeling they have to protect or defend their own.

This brings to mind a couple of scriptures.  One where the Lord says to come, let us reason together.  Another is when Jesus said “consider the lilies of the field”.  An invitation to explore, discuss, evaluate and compare.  So, too, this seems to work better in conversations with other folks.

I admit that when the discussion is about things that I feel very strongly about, especially truth and right and wrong, that it is more difficult.  I really, really want the other person to change their view or position to the one I have.  I don’t want them to stay with a false or wrong view.  However, my “telling” them may cause them to resist me more than the truth.   If I can present my case less stridently or less challenging or judging, they, hopefully, will be able to listen.  If they stop listening in reaction to how I come across then they certainly won’t explore my view.

Tags:   controlling · discuss · offering · reason together · resist · Selling · telling · told · truthNo Comments